First Comes Love, Then Comes…

First Comes Love, Then Comes…

Due to recent events and personal experiences, I’ve been toying with this opinion piece in my head for a little while now. It’s already almost been a month since Kolani proposed and I have no idea where the time has gone. It’s been a weird adjustment because it feels like nothing has really changed, in a totally good way. We’ve always been like best friends so this new change is exciting.

With the news of the engagement, I’ve had received a lot of congratulatory messages and texts, which don’t get me wrong, they’re great and I’m so happy with it all. But it kind of surprised me when literally two days into being engaged, people were asking if we had set a date yet. After letting my mind overthink this for a bit, I started becoming anxious about the future questions I would get as an engaged or even married woman; “How many bridesmaids?” “Can I be invited to the wedding?” “What’s your color scheme?” Weird questions I haven’t even begun thinking about yet.

To be fair, we are in the middle of a horrendous pandemic so neither Kolani or I feel the need to start planning anytime soon. Also, I’m learning quickly how overwhelming this can be. Your wedding day is supposed to be you and your significant other’s big day, but you still feel this guilt like you need to include certain people on that day. I’m still wanting to look at bridal magazines just for fun, but I’m not planning on anything happening anytime soon for obvious reasons.

Also, when I started thinking about having a wedding I then thought about the questions we would get once we were married, the general one being, “when are you guys having kids?” Kolani and I were asked this barely 2 years into dating and I literally just laughed out loud, and that seemed to be a justifiable answer. I have recently developed a lot more feelings and opinions about this particular question.

I think one of the most important things we’ve learned in 2020 is how to be more open minded, accepting, and less judgmental on what others believed to be “the right way”. First of all, if I want to completely open and honest, I’m not planning on nor do I want to have kids anytime soon. Plain and simple, I’m not ready for that yet.

Also, what if I didn’t want to have kids? How come it’s become some sort of routine to get married then have kids immediately after? I’ve seen beautiful families develop under what some would say are “unconventional” but I just see it is as breaking away from the norm and doing whatever they damn will please.

Another reason this particular question bothers me is because I’ve had friends who have struggled with fertility, yet people are always asking “when will you have kids?” “are you planning on having more?” What these people asking these questions don’t realize is that they have been trying tirelessly but nothing is working, maybe they’ve had miscarriages. It’s not something that they’d exactly want to scream from the rooftops.

I don’t mean to come off as attacking, because at one point I used to think these were innocent questions, but after being on the receiving ending of them, and seeing them unintentionally hurting people I care about, maybe it’s best not to ask.

If someone has exciting news to share, they’ll share it, but they shouldn’t be pestered or shamed for major life choices. And this isn’t to rag on anyone who has or wants kids, I honestly just wanted to make a statement saying everyone has different preferences, and no one should feel pressured to do things a certain way. I learn from my peers around me every single day and admire them for opening my eyes to all the possibilities that are available outside of the traditional options.

That’s going to be it for this week’s ranting & raving, I hope you enjoyed this opinion piece. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

One response to “First Comes Love, Then Comes…”

  1. Congratulations!
    You are absolutely right! There’s nothing wrong with waiting to have children or choosing to not have any at all. My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years and we decided when we were dating that we didn’t want kids. Keep in mind that your relationship is exactly that… yours. You owe no one an explanation for the choices you two make together. Matthew 19:5,6 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’ So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together, let no man put apart.” Notice God intended for the husband and wife to be one united team. No one should interfere. It’s the same with your wedding. Many people will have a lot to say but your wedding is the bonding between you two and you have the final say. Tell them to mind their business.

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